When the news broke about 15-year-old Phoebe Prince hanging herself after being mercilessly bullied by her peers both online and in person, parents everywhere were saddened and horrified. And now that nine Massachusetts teens are facing criminal charges, the worries have been rekindled.What makes kids so mean? they wonder. Are my kids capable of bullying anyone? Do they stand back and watch when others are bullied? And what can I do to make sure they are never involved in such cruelty-even peripherally? ?These are tough questions, says child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Warren Seiler. Bullying is a complex issue, and no one knows exactly what makes some kids want to torment others. But parents do have a huge influence on their children's moral development-and they can consistently take the kinds of actions that are shown to help kids grow into compassionate, confident adults. ?"Think of it as the 'best odds' approach to bully prevention," says Dr. Seiler, author of the new book Battling the Enemy Within: Conquering the causes of inner struggle and unhappiness (Victory Laine Publishing, 2010, $18.95). "You can't control what your kids do when they're away from you-but you can equip them with the skills they need to interact with others in a kind and caring way. You can teach them what to do when they see others being bullied or shunned. Sometimes, even most of the time, having those skills makes all the difference."

Read on to learn what you can start doing-right now-to help your children grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted individuals.

Parent your children; don't just provide for them. Yes, making sure that your children are dressed, fed, and otherwise provided for is a very important part of being a parent. Yet, it's not everything. And whether consciously or unconsciously, many of us operate under the belief that giving our children the best clothing and sending them to the best schools will fundamentally influence who they grow up to be.

"I'm not saying that you shouldn't want the best for your children," says Dr. Seiler. "However-and this is a big however-you should not confuse providing with parenting. Children don't just need things. They need parents. And as unpopular as what I'm about to say might be, I'm nevertheless convinced that it's true: once you become a parent, your job-24/7-becomes raising your child. Your friends, your hobbies, your vacations, and even to some extent your career, all come second."

Model good behavior. Here's the number one rule of good parenting: remember that your kids will do what they see you doing. You don't live in a vacuum, and your kids are always watching you. They see how you react to situations that are negative or stressful...and you can bet that they're filing those observations away. So before you take your children to task for rude or inconsiderate behavior, take an honest look at yourself first.

"It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the 'Do as I say, not as I do' parenting strategy never leads to long-term success," Dr. Seiler points out. "Whether you're resolving a dispute with your child's teacher, dealing with a rude salesperson, or receiving a traffic ticket for speeding, take your pride out of the equation. Admit it when you're wrong, fight the urge to be combative, and never talk down to others. Your kids will see and remember."

Take advantage of teachable moments. Children look to parents to help them make sense of things. The minute they begin to get exposed to the outside world (young toddlers), you must begin teaching them. You are the single biggest influencer in their lives. Your job is to put things in context so that kids understand them and can learn from them. Often, bullies act out because they haven't been given the tools to respond to external or internal stress in any other way.

"I'll never forget a teachable moment I shared with my oldest son," Dr. Seiler recalls. "We were in the grocery store checkout line, and my son-who was around four at the time-said hello to the woman behind us. She ignored him, so my son told her hello again. This time the woman not only continued to ignore him-she also turned her back. I could see that my son was confused and hurt, so I simply told him, 'I don't know why the lady didn't say hello back to you. Maybe she is just having a bad day. But I want you to know that it makes me very happy to have such a friendly little boy!'

"I couldn't control the woman's behavior that day, but I did have the power to let my little boy know that her behavior wasn't okay and that he shouldn't stop being friendly," Dr. Seiler continues. "When parents explain situations thoroughly to their children and use them as teachable moments, it relaxes them, and they learn to trust you. Plus, you help ensure that regardless of how others react, good behaviors are still reinforced."

Always point out the flip side. Reinforcement of desirable behaviors is good-but don't forget that negative or upsetting situations can also be used as cautionary tales. Remember the grocery store line story? Later, Dr. Seiler told his son to think about how he had felt when a fellow shopper ignored his greeting, and to remember in the future how badly rudeness can make others feel.

"Kids know when they themselves feel upset, sad, or stressed, but they might not have the sophistication to allow that knowledge to impact their own conduct-especially if they're younger," Dr. Seiler points out. "It's important that you as a parent take advantage of opportunities to connect the bad behavior of others back to your children's emotions. Knowing why they shouldn't tease someone else (because it hurts feelings!) will make a much larger behavioral impact than just being told not to do something. Make sure your children understand the power of their words and actions."

Realize that what happens in the cyberworld impacts the "real" world. When we were growing up, we worried about having our lunch money stolen, being called names in the hallway, or even receiving an infamous "swirly"-but we didn't have to worry about being ridiculed and slandered in a widely accessible public forum. However, our kids do. Children and teenagers have the Internet and cell phones at their disposal, and unfortunately many of them use these resources to perpetuate bullying. (Look no further than the Phoebe Prince tragedy; much of the taunting that drove her to suicide took place online.)

"It's a tragic but undeniable fact: children have come to harm and have even died because of cyberbullying," Dr. Seiler points out. "The cyberworld is especially dangerous because it allows children to be nasty without engaging in direct confrontation-and it means that bullying doesn't stop when the bell rings at three o'clock. Many children don't realize that this is the reason why sending (or even forwarding!) an email or a text makes them feel so powerful.

"Explain to them that anonymity breeds aggression, and that what they put in writing-even electronically-stays around forever, and can be spread to a horrifyingly wide audience in no time whatsoever," he adds. "Instruct your children to always ask themselves, Would I say this to someone's face? And of course, parents should always monitor their children's computer and phone usage."

Pay attention to their friends (and their friends' parents). It's a stark fact that we take on the mannerisms, characteristics, and attitudes of the people with whom we spend the most time. Take a look at yourself: chances are there are phrases in your vocabulary, for example, that wouldn't be there if not for your close friends and coworkers. Now, think about how that might apply to your children. No matter how much positive direction they might receive from you at home, your kids still spend a large amount of their time with other people-whether it's at school, soccer practice, or visiting their friends.

"You are not overstepping your bounds by limiting the amount of time your child spends with a peer whose behavior you don't approve of-or even whose parents you feel uncomfortable around," Dr. Seiler insists. "If this happens, be honest with your child. Discuss your observations, as well as any concerns you may have about the attitudes and behaviors of others. You might also want to talk about how your child should handle potential problems arising from a peer's negative words and actions.

"However, if you find that your child is consistently choosing to hang with the 'wrong crowd,' consider that the problem might be closer to home. Are you teaching your children the types of qualities they should look for and value in their friendships?"

Be on the lookout for bully-specific behaviors. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has webbed feet, it probably is a duck. The same goes for bullies. Although it's not something that you as a parent will be happy to notice and acknowledge, the fact of the matter is, certain behaviors do indicate that your child might be prone to bullying others. And Dr. Seiler is adamant that it's better to know these behaviors upfront so that you can nip them in the bud rather than living "happily" with your head buried in the sand while your child terrorizes others.

"No two bullies are alike; however, there are some telltale signs you can watch for," he explains. "Almost universally, bullies have low self-esteem. They make themselves feel better and more powerful by putting others down, so take note if your child seems incapable of saying something good without also saying something bad. Also, watch how your children play with your pets and with their siblings. Are they nasty, bossy, or controlling? If so, talk to them about more appropriate behaviors and set up consequences if these patterns continue. A lack of empathy can lead to increasing mistreatment of others."

Never-ever-turn a blind eye to bullying. That's right-never. Sure, if you're running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to make sure that everyone catches the bus with the appropriate amount of clothing, homework, library books, and bag lunches, it can be tempting to ignore the fact that your nine-year-old shoved your seven-year-old out of his way to get to the bathroom first. However, says Dr. Seiler, giving in to your impulse to turn a blind eye just this once is a mistake.

"You simply can't ignore bad behavior, no matter how small the infraction is or when it occurs," he stresses. "Children must be held accountable. Show your disapproval, even at an early age and let them know it will not be tolerated. Allowing a behavior to occur is tantamount to reinforcing it. I'm not saying your kids have to live in a perpetual state of being grounded as a result of 'minor' infractions, but you do need to communicate in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate them being nasty to others. Let them know that when they witness bullying-even if they cannot intercede-they should never participate. And of course, let them know how happy it makes you each and every time they do something nice and treat others well!"

Make sure kids understand that words really can hurt. By the time we reach adulthood, we all know that the "sticks and stones" children's rhyme isn't true at all, because words can and do hurt us. In fact, given the choice between being punched in the stomach and having our bosses publically berate and belittle us at a company-wide meeting, most of us would probably choose the physical punishment. However, kids-especially young ones-aren't equipped to realize how damaging their words can be, whether they mean them to be hurtful or not.

"Have a frank conversation with your children and explain to them that bullying doesn't just mean physically hitting others. Let your children know how incredibly powerful their words can be. Talk to them about gossip and rumors, and remind them that what they say can cause other children to be teased, excluded, or picked on. Tell them to remember what Thumper says in Disney's Bambi: 'If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.' Those are words we can all live by!"

Teach them the power of nice. Yes, it's crucial to teach your children the importance of not teasing, not ridiculing, and not spreading rumors about others. But don't stop there. Children should also learn that the words they neglect to say and the things they fail to do can also perpetuate bullying.

"You don't have to say things to hurt feelings," points out Dr. Seiler. "Often, it's the things we don't do that hurt people the most. Remind your children that letting a classmate or friend eat lunch alone, not inviting specific individuals to parties, and simply making others feel like outsiders are also forms of bullying. Explain to them that when they're nice to others, they are ensuring that they'll be remembered in a positive way-and in the long run, they'll win more friends."

If you know bullying has occurred... Despite your best efforts as a parent, you may find that your child has bullied another. If so, it's your responsibility to address the situation head on. Explain to your child why her actions were wrong, and, using her own experiences, remind her of how devastating her behavior might have been to the other party.

"Beyond this, though, turn your child's attention to the future," advises Dr. Seiler. "Tell him about the long-term effects of having a reputation of being a bully. He'll have an absolutely miserable life that's void of true friends and of the happiness that comes from having healthy and loving relationships with others."

Think of your home as a Navy SEAL-style training camp. As a parent, your job is to train your children to deal with the world as high-functioning adults. Here's a good way to think about it. Navy SEALs and other special operations forces aren't just whipped into physical shape, given weapons, and sent into battle. Rather, for over 30 months SEALs are schooled and tested in preparation for any imaginable situation that they might encounter in their careers on land, air, or sea. They carry with them an incredible sense of belonging to an unbreakable team. Parents can take the same basic approach.

"Now, of course I'm not saying that you should subject your children to brutal physical and mental training," Dr. Seiler says. "However, from infancy on you should teach and train them to have clear values, strong morals, and an abundance of empathy and kind treatment of others. With these tools-or weapons, if you will-they will be able to tolerate the pain and suffering that will always come their way as an inevitable part of life. They'll know they always have that unbreakable team-the family-to count on. And what's more, they'll be able to do so with a healthy optimism that will allow them to transcend those difficulties with an internal sense of peace, happiness, and joy."

"Despite your best efforts as a parent, it's likely that at some point your child will act in a way that hurts or belittles another," Dr. Seiler admits. "Even for 'nice' kids, that's normal. It's just part of being human. What's not normal is for kids to make these behaviors a habit.

"The good news is that in almost all instances, children generally do well in life when they are raised by strong, healthy, loving parents who set good examples and who clearly devote their lives to raising their kids. If you're doing these things, bullying behaviors will be the exception and not the rule."

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